“Always said that it’s do or die, and I haven’t had a damn heart attack.”
-Connor Price
It’s always surprising to me when somebody sees me as a successful artist. It shouldn’t be— I’ve won awards, created 6 seasons of TV and generally achieved a lot of cool stuff— but it is. Mostly because it feels like my accomplishments “don’t count”.
Here’s the thing: I may be prolific, but it often feels to me like a case of quantity over quality. So many episodes of webseries, but how many of them are actually strong works of art? A whole podcast, but is anyone even listening? Well-received books, sure, but only by the few who’ve read them.
I think the thing to me is that I don’t like writing in a void. I wish I did— that would be way more fulfilling— but the fact is, I write to SHARE my feelings and worlds with other people, not just create for creation’s sake. This is a very unhappy place to be mentally because, well, most people don’t share when they consume art, even if they did enjoy it. It’s hard to see how my work affects people when I don’t exactly have a fandom.
(That being said, there is a single piece of fanfiction for Hurt S1 on AO3. I take that accomplishment very seriously).
I can’t tell how unusual my creative philosophy is. For me, I’d rather almost have a quality of consumers rather than a quantity of them— which is to say, I’d be perfectly happy never becoming a “real” screenwriter or novelist as long as the people who did read or watch my stuff enjoyed it a lot. I’d love to have a niche little micro-fandom. And for a while, I did, with Hurt.
Unfortunately, part of me thinks that my Hurt fans could occasionally be more concerned with the identity politics of my series then my series itself. When I lost the heavily marketed co-lead (Alvin Edwards III as Fin) the fandom reacted with disappointment and then apathy.
Which is kind of fair— the show up until that point had been centered around the interplay between Stone and Fin. But it still stung— “Change is good, you all!” I wanted to scream. “There’s more to this world then just that premise.”
I’ve considered revisiting Hurt to try to recapture that magic— reviving the dual-lead premise with new characters to try to get back what I’ve lost. But its never felt like quite the right time to resurrect something I’ve clearly laid to rest.
I’m working on a pilot right now with Colorado company Pioneer Entertainment. They have the experience, knowledge and grit to make my next project, The Clubhouse, more successful then the last few. But I still have to wonder what success looks like for me. Do I want more accolades? Do I just want validation? How can I create when I care more about others then the integrity of the art itself?
I’m currently in the midst of airing Season 2 of Turtletastic. If you haven’t yet, it would mean a lot if you’d watch and comment and share.
Maybe some clarity will come with more audience thoughts. Maybe, but probably not.